| Losing my daughter made me reflect on the judgments I had towards my parents and siblings in the past. I realized that it's not easy to detach yourself from the love you have for your children, even when they cause pain and problems. It's not about weakness or lack of discipline, but rather the immense power of parental love.
When I was growing up as the youngest of six children, I watched my parents ‘suffer through the experience of two of my older sibling’s substance use disorders. As a teen and later a young adult, I resented my siblings and thought that ‘tough love’ could be a solution; however, I was also frustrated with my parent’s for continuing to “enable” them.
My mother passed away when I was 37 years old, and at that time, my daughter was 13. I was very judgmental and angry with my siblings back then and disappointed that my parents hadn’t been tougher with my brothers. Although in the years that followed, I could have benefitted from my mother’s wisdom as I dealt with substance abuse with my daughter. All these years later, I finally understood what I could not have known about my mom back then. If she were here today, I know we would have a different conversation. I would understand her actions and decisions on a deeper level, and I would appreciate her wisdom and support as I faced similar challenges with my own child.
Unconditional love and the desire to save your child from harm is a powerful force for a mother. I became willing to do whatever it took to help my own daughter overcome her troubles, just as my mother did for my siblings. In a way, I became my mother in my own journey. I couldn't abandon my daughter in her darkest moments; instead, I did everything I could to save her from the grip of depression and substance abuse. I learned that love isn't about tough love or cutting ties, but sometimes it's about being there for your child no matter what, even if it means sacrificing yourself in the process.
I never gave up on my daughter. Near the end of her life, I felt that we were finally seeing progress towards her willingness to accept help and change her life. Sadly, one desperate morning, she was ‘crashing’, following an evening where she had been abusing drugs. She needed help and made a fatal decision to trust someone that she didn’t know who violently took her life. She was a beautiful, talented, 34-year-old woman who was loved by many.
I could not save her from circumstances beyond my control. I can never fully understand or accept that she died, particularly in the manner that she did. My brain oscillates between knowing that there was nothing that I could have done, and wondering if there was something different that I should have done that would have saved her. I will ponder those questions every day for the rest of my life. A part of me died that day, along with my daughter; at the same time, a part of her lives within me. We were once a part of the same body, and we are again.
Grieving the loss of my daughter will be a lifelong process, and there will always be moments of pain and longing. Therapy has helped me gain insight to navigate these emotions and find a way to honor my daughter, while also taking care of myself. Dealing with my grief has uncovered many layers of ways in which substance abuse impacted my family relationships.
Addiction is a disease that affects not only the individuals struggling, but also their loved ones. It is my hope that our society will do better when it comes to preventing and treating substance use disorder. Preventing violence and abuse, particularly against women, is another area that we must confront as a society.
It is my hope that by sharing my story, others who are going through similar experiences will find empathy, understanding, and strength while navigating your own challenging journey. . |
